But it brings with it a wave of emotion, good and not so good. The thoughts that sometimes get into my head, without invitation, and so hard to get back out, really do, sometimes, hit the hardest.
I've had quite a few of these uninvited thoughts of late. I'm sure anyone with a child like Zak will understand immediately what I mean when I say that, for the most part, these thoughts stay burried in a deep, dark corner of our minds. But just sometimes they do a clog dance, trying so hard to be noticed, and we do all we can to ignore them and keep going. But of course, sometimes they win, and we have to address them.
One such thought, is that.... from day one of wanting to have our beautiful second child, the reasons for that decision were that we never wanted Ash to be an only child. We wanted her to have someone to grow up with, to play with, to confide in, to have that one person in her life who knows all about her, the good bits as well as the bad bits....like I did. I have 2 sisters and a brother, all of whom I love dearly, and can't imagine life without one or all of them nearby or at the end of the phone if I need them.
So, despite all our dreams coming true in Zak, there is going to be a time when she once again will be on her own. But even before that, she has been duped out of her 'normal' too. She can't play with Zak in the way she should have. I cought a glimpse of her smiling at two young children in McDonalds the other day. They were fighting, not doing as they were told, and the little one in the highchair was in fits of laughter....and it broke my heart. I can't give her that....
I remind myself that it's all about perspective. That although so many things are different, he can offer excellent listening skills. He is the worlds best at keeping secrets! He never pinches her toys, or scribbles on her homework. He never invades her space or blames the marker pen on the wall on her... and so I hide the wiping of that little tear. I suck air back into my lungs, despite the feeling that every bit of emotion is suffocating me, and I remind myself of the obligatory "there's always someone worse off thatn you" phrase..... and I order our big mac.....
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is something us special needs parents do, regularly.
It can be the simplest of things that kick you, full throttle, in the stomach.... a new baby crying, the 8 week old smiling into the eyes of his loving Mother, the conversation in Asda about the sleepless nights that come with a newborn, the kid next door riding his bike without the stabilisers, the Birthday cake he can't eat, the toddler taking his first wobbly steps, and the laughter of children playing....
....When I feel those emotions start to errupt, I try to surpress them with thoughts of the family I met in hospital... the child dying of the same horrible disease that her brother had. That the brother was yet to show signs of, yet he had to watch as his sister mapped out his destiny....all the while their devoted, beautiful Mum, stood by singing Happy Birthday to her daughter, while she wore a head scarf from the chemo effects after he mastectomy.... and it's then you realise how 'lucky' we are, that he is still here to hold in our arms and to kiss goodnight.
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